Ok, but like, how married are you?
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GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success