“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again