How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
When libraries troll their patrons.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*