I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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