“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.