Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”