Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
is this how new cars are made??
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.