i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
You Might Also Like
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.