The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
they finally got him. they got macavity
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper