[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.