in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Every work meeting this week
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is