[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors