“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap