protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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How to wake up a Beagle
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.