[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.