[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
How your email finds me
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I told my vodka about you.