No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
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Worst bar ever.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd