[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom