Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded