Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
#dalle2
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.