ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Jesus Christ lmao
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators