Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you canāt do that in here
Me: but I canāt drink it without a straw
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
Weāll see. I donāt know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If the police donāt escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay Iām coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG Iām right here letās go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! š¤£š¤£
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Human: whatās up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Iām a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I havenāt eaten yet.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is sheās not looking at a screen when she says, āThis is fun, do you think thereās an app for this?ā
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing šš¾
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: iām gonna beat you to death with it