Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*