Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing