Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
me as a parent
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad