During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Lmaoo 😂
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Who says great literature is dead?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
This is funnier than it should be. 😂