12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
no cat here
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me