Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
We like the way Dwight thinks
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time