Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I have a black belt in leather
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?