I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever