I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”