Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different