Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Every damn time
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.