[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.