There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
You Might Also Like
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I was bored.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?