imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.