if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it