a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
You Might Also Like
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
This sounds bad:
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.