Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.