dam girl
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Comparing yourself to others
no their not