Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
i will not be silenced
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car