SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
the three branches of government
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
cat faces on other animals, a thread