That’s not how days work.
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Lmao
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes