My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
They got Raph!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.