Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.