Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar