We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.