The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Just a friendly reminder!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.