If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Finished stitching this today 😇
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!