Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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My last name is Zilla.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
fair
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..